I said today, it's so easy for me to be right back on that bus, listening to Amy tell us what was about to unfold. I can hear my heart beating in my ears and smell the "china" smell....
Three years later, i'm still processing all the Lord did those two weeks in China. There were things I wanted to write about then that the Holy Spirit didn't give me the go ahead to share. Things to "ponder in my heart" because there was no way I could fully see how they were meant to be put into words.
One of those things was how messy and painful love is.
I've blogged about Asher's condition when he was placed in our arms before, so I won't repeat it all here. But basically we were handed a 24 month old child who weighed 17 pounds and had been crib confined for two years. He couldn't walk, talk, or even eat stage one baby foods. His spine could be felt through three layers of clothing. Developmentally he was 6-9 months old.
I was in shock.
I was angry at how he was treated.
And I let the Lord know it.
And He firmly put me in my place.
I remember crying out to Him in prayer, grieving for the first two years of Asher's life.
"Lord, WHY did he have to be in that crib 27/7??? WHY didn't they feed him anything but a bottle?? Lord he can't even WALK. His skull is deformed from rocking his head against steel crib bars for hours and hours, are you kidding me??"
It was ugly.
The Holy Spirit reminded me of the verse that the Lord had given to me at the very start of our journey to China for Asher:
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
And in that is the answer to all of the WHY.
"....to HIM be the Glory..."
And I'll be transparent that in my grief for my son....I said to the Lord...but WHY MY SON? Get the Glory in the good, easy, triumphant, touchy-feely stuff, but Lord, why this way? Why does it have to be so so ugly, and so so painful??
All I had to do was put my eyes on the cross for that answer.
The cross was ugly, y'all.
It was messy and gruesome and HARD.
And it was the very thing that brought God the most GLORY.
And it is the very definition of LOVE.
And it was through that act, that you and I were ADOPTED as children of the King.
So WHY do we think that this thing called adoption, will not be MESSY and PAINFUL....and HARD?? His love for us wasn't EASY, because love.isn't.easy.
But if we will allow it too... it will bring Him GLORY and renown in ways that are "more than we could ever ask or imagine."
I didn't know how to process that three years ago. I couldn't see the other side. I was in the middle of the mess and the pain and all I could do was believe by faith that the Lord would be a promise keeper and redeem this child's life. That He had risked His very name on this adoption, and He.Would.Make.It.Good.
If you're right there, hang on.
It may be messy.
It may be painful.
It may be so so hard.
It should be.
It makes the victory that much sweeter.
Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?”
Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God.
Sweet boy, you bring more JOY to us than we could have ever imagined. You are indeed, "happy and crowned" just like your name says you are. I can't wait to see how such a little guy is going to make a BIG impact on the Kingdom.